what I forget

Yesterday was a rough day. Without going into too much unnecessary detail, we had a scare with our little one.

All is well now and we are doing our best to recover from the turmoil, it's amazing how physically exhausting emotional stress can be. Today was a rest day. I had a lot of time to think and I was reminded how easy it is to slip into thinking that God is only good when things go our way. 

We prayed fervently yesterday for several specific things. A healthy baby, healing, safety and peace. God answered those prayers yesterday in exactly the way we would have wanted Him to...and I'm so grateful. 

But it reminded me that even if we hadn't been told that everything would be ok and even if we didn't get to hear the powerful thump-thump-thump of our baby's heart - God would have answered our prayers then too. He wouldn't have answered them in the way I desired, far from it, but He would have answered and He would have been good, even in the hardship of dealing with that loss. 

I can say that now. I can say that on the other side of things, knowing all is well. But if I'm being honest I can tell you without hesitation that miscarrying a child would make it hard to feel like God has answered my prayers. When I was so fearful yesterday I didn't have the perspective that God was good either way, I had a clearly defined answer to our questions in my head and that answer would mean that God is good. If the answer was incorrect...if things weren't ok, what then? It made me think. 

It made me remember that what I've been given, what any mother is given... is a gift. This baby isn't something I deserve, this baby isn't something I merit, the child growing inside me is a blessing. One that was given and that can be taken. Life is fragile, it's a miracle.

I'm all out of words. But thanks for reading and caring and if you have a baby, big or small - give 'em a big hug.

xo,

Rae