This & That

sibs, minus one. 

I caved. 

After giving some thought to the fact that I have an endless list of things I can stand to improve on I decided that my stance on resolutions could use some work. 

Cool how I can make my mind up and change it, right? Yeah. Don't hate. 

So that's my list. Plus one more thing and it's a big one...It's one of those resolutions you make and then consider hiding in a dark room until next year so you don't have to experience the embarrassment of failure. 

But here we go... 

There are times when I can't even remember what peace feels like. My Achilles heel (besides salty/sweet combinations) is fear. 

This is my dragon to fight... fear and anxiety. It always has been, some of my first memories are of being anxious and frightened - I was that kid who had a first class royal meltdown when my parents left me at my grandparents or at a friend's house. I needed a closet and a blanket and I could get it together in a few minutes...sometimes.  

Anyway, this is my struggle - one of many and I fail more often than not. I worry, and I churn and I analyze and reanalyze things I have no control over. I get comfortable with being in turmoil and all the while my focus shifts and shifts again from Christ, from others, from giving and outpouring, to self. It's hard to see others when I'm transfixed with my own reflection, my own fears or struggles. 

That's the funny part... I would tell you that I love to serve others and I really do, I love to give, I love to listen and when it comes to empathizing I can roll with the best of them, but it's a double-edged sword because all of that energy, all of the time and effort it takes to do that for someone else can just as easily and often is spent doing it for myself. What happens then is this train wreck of reasons I'm justified in my fear.  

 I'm not trying to get all cryptic, I can only handle so much intensity without feeling the need for some comic relief, that's the 12 year old coming out in me I guess (seriously guys...). But there are things I'm afraid of encountering this year. As excited as I am, as much as I anticipate learning new lessons and experiencing growth, that struggle pipes up and ticks off a list of reasons I shouldn't move forward. What about loss? What if growth means separation and growth away from people I love? What about disappointed hopes? What about death? The list stretches on and on.

Truth saves. Truth is light in darkness and a truth that comes to mind is that fear and faith cannot abide together.

 I'm fearful, I'm afraid I always will be. There's the comic relief. Couldn't resist, moving on... 

That fear will follow me constantly, or so it seems, but something I want to remember this year and every year after for that matter, is that fear may follow behind me but faith is what causes me to climb. Turning my face to Christ and having faith through difficulty is a life-giver while fear sucks the joy out of tomorrow. I forget, I become fearful about things beyond my control, about change and about the passage of time but I want to grow and I guess that's my biggest resolution of all. 

xo,

Rae